CHRIS: “Slut Bottom” Lives a Life of Anal Pleasure

interview by MARK GABRISH CONLAN

Copyright © 2007 by Mark Gabrish Conlan for Zenger’s Newsmagazine • All rights reserved

For many people — even an estimated 37 to 50 percent of Gay men — anal-receptive sex is the last taboo. Not for Chris, who was penetrating his own butt with dildos, hair-brush handles and anything else that would serve the purpose and letting women massage his prostate and fuck him with dildos and strap-ons a decade before he acknowledged a sexual interest in men as well. Chris, who asked that we not publish his last name because he makes both his living and most of his dates through the Internet and doesn’t want people to be able to cross-reference his professional and personal Web sites, has given a talk to the “pan-sexual” (male/female, straight/Queer) Leather group Club X and at press time is scheduled to repeat the presentation Friday, March 2 to the San Diego League of Gentlemen Gay men’s Leather group at 7 p.m. at the Joyce Beers Community Center, Vermont Street north of University Avenue in Hillcrest.

Chris calls his talk “Intro to Anal: Open Your Ass and Your Mind Will Follow.” In his presentation, and in this interview, he debunks many of the myths surrounding anal sex and talks about his personal odyssey as a sexual being. He also mentions many of the people who mentored him along the way, notably the late Perry Morris, founder of the now-defunct Ringold Alley Leather store on 30th Street near Upas, who helped him come to terms with his Gay side and overcome a lifetime of homophobic brainwashing. Chris also talks about how he manages a nonmonogamous sexual lifestyle in an era in which the increasing conservatism of the Queer community’s leadership, the demand for legal recognition of same-sex marriage and the continuing fear of AIDS have made it unfashionable to acknowledge that your sexual needs cannot be met by just one other person.

Zenger’s: How did you first develop or discover your interest in anal sex play?

Chris: It pretty much started with a girlfriend I had when I was 16. I was trying to get in her pants, and she’s the one who introduced me to my butt. I don’t know if it’s related to her being Middle Eastern, where the culture is a little different, but she was able to rub my prostate and the head of my cock, and press on my asshole, through my jeans and make me come. That rocked my world. She got to where she would finger me, use multiple fingers, probably finger-bang me, and I really, really enjoyed the butt sex. That started it all. It’s her fault. Ever since then, she

Over the next 10-plus years I had sex exclusively with women. I always went with kinky women who would use a dildo or a strap-on. The entire time I would masturbate with toys in the shower, and thankfully when I was in the military no one caught me!

Actually I did have a brief moment of Bi-curiosity. It was in 1994, at the tail end of my service in the Navy. I’m kind of oblivious to a lot of things. So it never dawned on me that Gay men were in the Navy, which looking back is pretty hilarious. The whole time, I’d had my brain scrubbed and brainwashed: “Gay = bad,” “We’re kicking Gays out of the Navy,” and that kind of repressed my sexuality as far as liking anal sex so much.

So when a boy started flirting me, it was interesting. He jumped in my lap and planted a kiss on me. I was excited, shocked and stunned all at once, and I just froze. I didn’t know what to do. So the moment passed, and just after it was when I realized that his unshaved face or five o’clock shadow scratched on my face, and I’d never felt that before. That freaked me out, because it’s a guy thing, and I could smell cologne on me afterwards.

It was the start of my exploration of men. We played around a little bit. I think he jerked me off once, or maybe twice, total. Then I went back to being het for a few years.

Zenger’s: You said you exclusively dated what you called “kinky women.” How, in the era before the Internet, did you meet them?

Chris: I have no clue! I guess I would flirt, and as part of the flirting, looking back, I would negotiate for kink. Normally it was like who got to fight for the bottom. We’d both fight over who gets to get beat up, or dominated. That was kind of hilarious, looking back. And maybe girls are pretty naughty, too, so it was that they’d do just about anything.

Zenger’s: How long was it before you finally started coming to grips with your Gay side?

Chris: It was with my second wife. She’s just an amazing person. We had an open marriage, and at some point she said, “Why don’t you play with boys?” “Like, well, wouldn’t I be Gay?” And she said, “Well, no. You’d just be you, whatever.” “Do you think that’s O.K.?” She says, “Yeah.”

I got an AOL account and used that for several years, and trolled chat rooms to find guys. I probably had four or five off-and-on boyfriends. We’d meet once or twice a month. And about the time I stumbled into a monthly group, called Submissive Voice. It’s mostly a sewing circle for girls to get together and gossip and talk submissive stuff. Probably a lot of the Gay in me is also the girl in me, I think, looking backwards. They were my first introduction to the Leather community. Through them I learned about Club X; and through Club X I learned about Ringold Alley.

Perry Morris, the man who opened Ringold Alley, mentored me and helped me with a lot of fundamental issues. Basically, internalized homophobia was a big one: shame, guilt. That was basically the gateway to, I guess, full Bisexuallty, maybe. Words are hard for me. Labels just don’t stick to me. Sometimes I feel like a boy, sometimes I feel like a girl. Sometimes I’m Gay, sometimes I’m straight. You could almost say I’m confused, but it’s my life. I’m fluid, and whatever I feel is right at the moment, I can be, because I enjoy whatever works in the moment.

I’ve had Lesbians play with me, because they see the girl in me, and like her. I don’t really identify as “girl” a whole lot, but they feel comfortable with me. I’ve introduced a couple of women — many, I should say — to anal fisting. I’ve been referred to a lot of people to be their first anal fistee, because I’m so able to stay in the moment, I’m comfortable with my body, and I give great feedback.

I’ve got an interesting relationship right now. My primary romantic partner is my boyfriend Roger, whom I met through my involvement with Ringold Alley, or with Perry, I should say. Roger and I started off as fuck buddies and grew a great bond and stayed together. As I grew to enjoy and embrace my sexuality more, I grew apart from my second wife. So we divorced — very happily, amicably; we’re still good friends —and now I consider Roger to be my primary romantic partner.

Meanwhile, I’m living with a Leather lady from the community, and she’s basically my primary Leather partner. If I have a dominant that I serve the most, it would be her.

Zenger’s: How do you juggle all these people, especially in a context where there’s this big push for same-sex marriage? We’re supposed to be pairing off and be monogamous, and there are probably people reading this who would be less bothered by the kinds of kinky things you like to do than the fact that you like to do them with so many different people. How do you manage a life like this, and how do you keep everybody from getting jealous of each other, and getting too possessive?

Chris: I collect people that are very open-minded, either accepting or embracing an open, polyamorous kind of lifestyle. If people want to be around me and my energy, they’ll stick around. If they get busy, they disappear. not like we have to work really hard. Everyone just needs to be honest, and communicate. That’s the key to polyamory, I think.

It’s O.K. to say, “Hey, you know, I miss you. You haven’t been around lately.” If that’s the beginning and end of the “problem,” as it were, then that’s something that’s going to last. I recently had this woman visitor from Atlanta, and unfortunately my boyfriend got somewhat excluded because he doesn’t like to be around women in a sexual context. So we had a little bit of a dry spell, but then I’d call and visit him once or twice, and it’s O.K. He knows I love him, and he understands how I’m kind of a crazy boy, and need to flit around and be playful.

Zenger’s: It’s just not something that most people are conditioned to, so that even if they have more than one sex partner, they’re likely to feel that they’re doing something wrong.

Chris: Well, Leather is all about coming to terms with your guilt and your own being. To me, everything about Leather is exploring your emotions, your feelings, your wiring. “Wiring” being that if a situation is presented to you, what is your physical response? Are you repulsed? Are you horny? Is it something you feel is good? Is it something that feels bad? So I’m always analyzing my emotions, when I can really catch them.

So if something makes me happy, I’ll look at it. If something makes me sad, I’ll look at it and try to understand. That’s part of how what started out as a girl being behind me with both of us clothed becomes this naughty boy that’s as piggy as the rest of them, you know? I feel humans are not designed to be monogamous.

Another issue is that I’ve been in Europe, and in Europe love is promoted and violence is repressed, whereas here in the United States, everything is about violence, and sex is repressed. We see, a lot of government and religious influence on repressing sexuality. I just try not to push my agenda on them, and I ignore their agenda being pushed upon me.

Zenger’s: How far have you actually gone, and can you recall any time when a scene got so kinky you had to say the safe word and pull the plug on it?

Chris: It’s never been about extreme or kink. Whenever I haven’t felt 100 percent good about something, it’s been more of a state of mind of not enjoying — or not thinking I’m being enjoyed. If I feel that the person I’m with, if they’re a dominant, is just simply exercising abusive power or something and not appreciating my gift, I’ve occasionally ended scenes before they started. And if I’m going to top, my being, my entity needs to feel, on a subconscious level, from the person I’m with that they need to be topped. And when I’m drawn out like that, it’s an amazing event.

Zenger’s: What are the circumstances under which you would top somebody? So far we’ve pretty much just discussed the bottom part of your life.

Chris: I considered myself 100 percent submissive/bottom until I was at a Club X social. There was this really cute girl, and I was just drawn to her. I asked, “Are you a top?” — and she was so cute — and she said, “No, sweetie. Sorry. I’m a bottom.” Then the words just flew out of my mouth: “Oh, I could beat you.” It was like, “What the hell did I just say?” I leaned over and looked at her ass and said, “Oh, yeah, I could spank that ass.” And she threw the switch.

It was as though I could hear her subconsciously telling me, “I need to get beat.” I’ve felt this with five or six different people, always women so far — which probably has to do with my het beginnings — and every time it’s been basically a spiritual experience. It has been so right, so wonderful, on both sides.

Zenger’s: That’s a phrase I’ve often heard from people involved in Leather and kink and S/M: this idea that it’s a “spiritual experience.” How so? What does that mean to you?

Chris: I think that word is invoked because there is an energy or connection in our communication that is not something we can define. You can call it “chemistry,” “magnetism,” “pheromones.” You can call it whatever you want, but it’s hard to define it, so we just call it a spiritual thing. Maybe it raises goosebumps for no reason. Or maybe you’re with this person, and it’s like you can see their soul, and you two have been waiting for each other for your whole lives. It’s just so right, and that’s a little bit of it.

Perhaps the other part of it is that you, as the top or the bottom, become so involved in the scene that you leave your body, you leave your mind, and you leave consciousness. Basically you trance out, or make yourself high. So that’s spiritual. You’re able to go places that you can’t define. It’s getting deeper.

I guess we could talk a little about kink. If I feel comfortable, I’ll try just about anything. But that comfort comes in so many different ways and directions. When it comes to butt play, like I say in my workshop, “Shit happens.” If I know my partner is going to be O.K. if shit happens, then I’m not going to make my butt more sensitive by doing an ultra-good clean-out if both of us are comfortable with the result of a little bit of shit getting in the way.

In a way, it shows two or three directions of consensuality: I’m O.K. with it, you’re O.K. with it, the both of us are O.K. with it. Yeah, let’s try something. And if I feel those conditions are met — and whoever’s doing some act has the technical ability to pull it off safely — then I’ll try just about anything.

Zenger’s: Why don’t you talk about some of the inhibitions that people have regarding anal sex, and how they can overcome them?

Chris: I look at my own past for that. I look at my own guilt and shame. Really, someone has to figure out what they don’t like about something. What’s wrong? Oh, I’m afraid of this. This seems to be a parallel to the Leather journey of exploration itself. If you’re in a scene with somebody and you say, “I’m afraid of this,” and then they break it down and say, “Why? What makes you afraid?” That’s covered.

The first thing that’s “wrong” with anal sex is that it’s sex, because we’re in America and we’ve got this intense amount of sexual repression that comes from our religious traditions. It’s not sex for procreation, which again is something religious people — at least some religious people — hate. Whatever religions I used to flirt with didn’t talk about that so much!

Then it has to do with the butt, and the butt’s where you eliminate. That’s where shit happens. The butt’s dirty. You combine these together, and if a person is continually told, “This is bad” — regardless of what it is in reality — you can’t help but think about that. And it’s what you think about that, and how you think about that, that can get in the way of enjoying it.

A big part of my workshop is about shit itself, and there’s a great reason why humanity is repulsed by shit. Because until only recently, it’d kill you. We didn’t have running water. We didn’t have hot running water. We didn’t have soap with hot running water. There was a time when you would have to travel to find water to bathe with. It’s a good thing that we eventually learned to stay away from our own shit, because until modern times, it was a bad thing. And we haven’t gotten rid of that programming.

Zenger’s: What do you get out of anal sex that you couldn’t get out of anything else?

Chris: It’s probably the prostate. That is a lot of it. Also, I like to be penetrated, to have my body intruded upon or violated, any of these form words. I enjoy the sensation of my body’s natural reaction to respond — either to push, like you’re going to the bathroom; or to clench, like you’re trying to not go to the bathroom. I enjoy when I’m being fucked or fisted, and I’m fighting all these natural urges, or giving in to them, and it’s the power exchange of the moment, and just being dominated or owned by the person inside me. And the prostate zings, and it makes me insanely crazy and horny to come.

Maybe part of the reason I’m so sensitive and able to enjoy it is I’ve masturbated with dildos almost my entire sexual life: dildos, insertables, a hair brush, anything. I started small and worked my way pretty huge. I’m probably about as big and deep as I’m going to be right now, and I’ve learned how to move my prostate into what’s violating me, or clench the muscles to pull them into the prostate. And then it’s been trained and attuned with my body, so that when it gets stimulation, it’s a huge sexual moment for me.

Zenger’s: Could you talk about the risks involved in anal sex, both the exaggerated risks and the real ones?

Chris: Well, obviously, these would be from my experience, and I’m not a doctor or anything. But my primary concern is not catching HIV, and if it a dick enters my ass it has a condom. And that’s been my rule — or, I would say, a safe barrier, because if you’re fisting with grease, then you need to use either a polyurethane condom or a so-called female condom. That’s kept me HIV negative through a lot of partners, many of whom I know were positive. I feel pretty comfortable with that kind of absolute rule. Part of that, too, was not putting myself in risky situations where there were drugs or alcohol involved.

I think the big exaggerated risk that non-practicing anal players worry about is your butt’s going to be loose, and you’re going to be incontinent. Perry is the first one who addressed that with me. He said, “I know fisting bottoms who have fisted their entire lives, and they’ve got the best anal health of anyone, because they know what they’re doing with their muscles. They can feel what’s happening within their body. They can feel where the shit is.”

I’ve kind of grown to be like that. I know exactly when I have to go to the bathroom. I may not know when something is a foot inside of me, but I know when there’s something ready to go. And I do really extreme insertions, really big toys. When you’ve just played, or when you routinely practice like I do, you may not have the best control of your bowel. But it seems once or twice a year I’ll be ill or busy, and I won’t have time to play, and I’ll become pretty normal pretty quickly.

Another health-related thing is I think the medical community is starting to believe that a lot of anal play for men helps stimulate the prostate and reduces the risk of cancer or prostate-related problems. As for hemorrhoids, that’s going to happen whether or not you have anal sex. Finally, enough people in the medical community have studied it, and I’ve read in Internet searches that, if anything, anal sex reduces the chance of hemorrhoids a little bit. It definitely does not increase it.

Zenger’s: What would your advice be to the person who said about anal sex, “I tried that, and it hurt”?

Chris: I’d say if they want to continue pursuing it, or if it excites something within them sexually, turn to their community. Talk to others. Find “experts” who’ve played a lot and have the experience to help you figure out what was going on. Try to understand what went wrong, what made it hurt. Every person I’ve learned about, from beginning to end, who’s done something like that has always found that the person who caused the hurt wasn’t patient, didn’t know technique, maybe didn’t use the right lube. There was some technicality or lack of experience that caused that hurt.

It’s like there’s always something better, you know? The beauty of everything I’ve found in life is that there are always people less experienced, less skillful than you. There are always some people who are your peers, and there are always some people who are more advanced than you. Look to those who are better than you, and learn and grow.